Saturday, 6 March 2010

The BAH!scars #10: The Nightmare Before Oscar Night

Twas the night before Oscar,
And all through my head,
I thought of the picks,
That would make me wish I were dead.
Maybe my head wasn’t screwed on just right,
Or maybe it was that I wanted a fight,
But all the stars in Hollywood and all the –

Er, I’m a bit confused. Anyway, on Oscar Eve, I have decided to post my Nightmare Oscars. These are what I would least want to see win each Oscar. At least with this post online, I know that no matter what happens tomorrow…I can assure myself that it could have been worse. And, if I am correct…well, at least I’ve guessed all the right picks.

Best Picture
“District 9″
Let’s face it: no one wants Blind Side to win. If that is victorious, I have legions of angry cinephiles on my side. Here, I have to deal with the fatuous masses praising the Academy for picking a really relevant action film or something like that.

Best Direction
“Up in the Air” — Jason Reitman
I’ve already seen Ron Howard win once in my lifetime. I don’t need to see such a bland director win again. Daniels was a close second…but at least I could delude myself into thinking of it as an Aronofsky win.

Actor in a Leading Role
Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
I can’t stand Morgan Freeman. Nuff said.

Actress in a Leading Role Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
See: my complaints about her back in earlier entries. Her win will just solidify that the Academy cares more about tracks of careers than singular performances.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon in “Invictus”
I had no strong feelings here. Damon rides my Freeman-hatred just as he rode the coattails of his performance to get a nomination.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
In my own version of Hostel, I am just forced to watch Maggie Gyllenhaal’s performance in this movie over and over again. Eventually, someone takes pity on me and decides to instead drip corrosive acid on my balls.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay) “District 9” — Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell
I haven’t been quiet about my disgust with District 9’s script that was simultaneously cookie-cutter and heavy-handed.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
“A Serious Man” — Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

Animated Feature Film

Art Direction
“The Young Victoria” — Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray
Only because I was most bored by its trailers.

Film Editing “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” — Joe Klotz
District 9’s was pretty bland, but Klotz lifted far too much from Requiem for a Dream to allow me to be comfortable with his victory.

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” — Bruno Delbonnel

Costume Design
“Coco before Chanel” — Catherine Leterrier

Foreign Language Film
Can’t say in all fairness.

Sound Editing “Star Trek” — Mark Stoeckinger and Alan Rankin

Sound Mixing “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” — Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers and Geoffrey Patterson

Music (Original Score)
“Avatar” — James Horner
Although I really want to say “anything that isn’t Up.”

Music (Original Song) “The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)” from “Crazy Heart” Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett
Crazy Heart’s music felt so manufactured to me.

Makeup “Il Divo” — Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano
Just because I am not familiar with it.

Visual Effects “Star Trek” — Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh and Burt Dalton

Short Film (Animated) “Logorama” Nicolas Schmerkin
Yes, “French Roast” is the least of the picks, but “Logorama” just seems so damn smug when it does not deserve to be.

Short Film (Live Action)
“Instead of Abracadabra” — Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström

(No opinion on documentaries)

See you on the other side of the tunnel everyone! Feel free to share your own Nightmare Oscars!

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